The Speeding Pope

I’ve got this in my email at 3 times this month. I am now sharing with you…

After getting all of Pope Benedict’s luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
 ‘Excuse me, Your Holiness,’ says the driver, ‘Would you please take your seat so we can leave?’
 ‘Well, to tell you the truth,’ says the Pope, ‘they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I’d really like to drive today.’
 ‘I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! What if something should happen?’ protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning..
 ‘Who’s going to tell?’ says the Pope with a smile.
 Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)
 ‘Please slow down, Your Holiness!’ pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
 ‘Oh, dear God, I’m going to lose my license — and my job!’ moans the driver.
 The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
 ‘I need to talk to the Chief,’ he says to the dispatcher.
 The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going 205 kph.
 ‘So bust him,’ says the Chief.
 ‘I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,’ said the cop.
 The Chief exclaimed,’ All the more reason!’
 ‘No, I mean really important,’ said the cop with a bit of persistence.
 The Chief then asked, ‘Who do you have there, the mayor?’
 Cop: ‘Bigger.’
 Chief: ‘ A senator?’
 Cop: ‘Bigger.’
 Chief: ‘The Prime Minister?’
 Cop: ‘Bigger.’
 ‘Well,’ said the Chief, ‘who is it?’
 Cop: ‘I think it’s God!’
 The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, ‘What makes you think it’s God?’
 Cop: ‘His chauffeur is the Pope!’

To God From the Dog

 Received from email like alot of my posts:

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch?…or is it still the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, cougar, mustang, colt, stingray and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around ? We dogs do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog. 
1. I will not eat the cat’s food before they eat it or after they throw it up 
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell. 
3. The litter box is not a cookie jar. 
4. The sofa is not a face towel. 
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff. 
6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet. 
7. Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is an unacceptable way of saying hello. 
8. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house, not after. 
9. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.

P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back? 

Size is Just a Number on a Tag

Too many women in all age groups are hypercritical of their size and shape. Unless your weight is causing medical problem, embrace who and what you are. Look for your inner beauty.

The fashion industry and clothing industry(they’re not the same), are waking up to the fact women have curves. If you don’t think that’s a true statement, do something about it. Women buy clothes. Spend money on something you like, not just fix over your head.

Go shopping with the conviction that you’re setting out  to learn more about what looks great on you; be willing to see how great you look.

TGIF~Funny One for All

Another great email:

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black: 
1. He called everyone brother 
2. He liked Gospel 
3. He didn’t get a fair trial 
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish: 
1. He went into His Father’s business 
2. He lived at home until he was 33 
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God 
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian: 
1. He talked with His hands 
2. He had wine with His meals 
3. He used olive oil 
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian: 
1. He never cut His hair 
2. He walked around barefoot all the time 
3. He started a new religion 
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian: 
1. He was at peace with nature 
2. He ate a lot of fish 
3. He talked about the Great Spirit 
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish: 
1. He never got married. 
2. He was always telling stories. 
3. He loved green pastures. 
But the most compelling evidence of all – 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman: 
1. He fed a crowd at a moment’s notice when there was virtually no food 
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it 
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do
Can I get an

The Young Priest

Another goody from email:

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, ‘You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.’

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, ‘And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock ‘n roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.’

‘Thank you, Father,’ answered the young priest. ‘I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.’

‘All of these ideas have been well and good,’said the elderly priest, ‘But I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.’

‘But Father,’ protested the young priest, ‘my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!’

‘Yes,’ replied the elderly priest, ‘and I appreciate that…. But the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot ‘n Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof.