Florida Cracks You Up

Rick Scott - Honest?

Putting #politics and #FL in the same sentence could be considered “cracking a joke.”  Florida cracks you up http://tinyurl.com/2f85lao

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Halloween Joke from Email

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, “I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!”

“IMPOSSIBLE!” said the groom broom.

Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt
! !! !! !


“WE HAVEN’T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!”

………… ………… …………..
Oh for goodness sake… Laugh, or at least groan.
Life’s too short not to enjoy… Even these silly little cute……
And clean jokes!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Sounds to me like she’s been sweeping around!!!

TGIF ~ For Those That Like Golf Stories

This is a nice one from my email!

 Divine Golf
    
Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly  toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
    
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.
    
The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.
   
and  then … 

Moses turned to Jesus and said, “I hate playing with your Dad.”

TGIF~Funny One for All

Another great email:

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black: 
1. He called everyone brother 
2. He liked Gospel 
3. He didn’t get a fair trial 
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish: 
1. He went into His Father’s business 
2. He lived at home until he was 33 
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God 
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian: 
1. He talked with His hands 
2. He had wine with His meals 
3. He used olive oil 
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian: 
1. He never cut His hair 
2. He walked around barefoot all the time 
3. He started a new religion 
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian: 
1. He was at peace with nature 
2. He ate a lot of fish 
3. He talked about the Great Spirit 
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish: 
1. He never got married. 
2. He was always telling stories. 
3. He loved green pastures. 
But the most compelling evidence of all – 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman: 
1. He fed a crowd at a moment’s notice when there was virtually no food 
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it 
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do
 
 
Can I get an
AMEN!!
 
 
 

The Young Priest

Another goody from email:

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, ‘You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.’

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, ‘And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock ‘n roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.’

‘Thank you, Father,’ answered the young priest. ‘I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.’

‘All of these ideas have been well and good,’said the elderly priest, ‘But I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.’

‘But Father,’ protested the young priest, ‘my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!’

‘Yes,’ replied the elderly priest, ‘and I appreciate that…. But the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot ‘n Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof.

Jesus, Satan and the Computer

This is one of the best clean jokes I’ve seen in a while!
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for    days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering..
 
Finally fed up, God said, ‘THAT’S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.’
 
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away..
They moused .
They faxed.
They e-mailed…
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
 
Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back    on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching    frantically, screaming:  It’s gone! It’s all GONE! ‘I lost everything when the power went out!’

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate.
 
‘Wait!’ he screamed. ‘That’s not fair!    He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don’t have any?’
 
God just shrugged and said, 
 
‘JESUS SAVES’ 
 
 

The Donkey Story

The following came in my email. It may have showed up in your email at some time…One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do. 

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;

it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.

 

He invited all his neighbors to come over and 
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement he
quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally 
looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel 
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off! 

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds 
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up. 

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred – Forgive.

Free your mind from worries – Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Expect less.

NOW ………….

MORAL FROM TODAY’S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover
your ass, it always comes back to bite you. 

You have two choices…smile and close this
page, or pass this along to someone else to
spread the fun.

TGIF~Those Wonderful Church Bulletins!

They’re Back! Those emails…..

Those Wonderful Church Bulletins!

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually
appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services ..

———————————————————-
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
———————————————————-
The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on Water.’ The sermon tonight:
‘Searching for Jesus.’
———————————————————-
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
———————————————————-
Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
———————————————————-
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.
———————————————————-
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone
who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about
you.
———————————————————
Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
———————————————————
Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
———————————————————-
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
—————————— —————————-
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help
they can get.
———————————————————-
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing:
‘Break Forth Into Joy.’
———————————————————
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So
ends a friendship that began in their school days.
———————————————————
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will
follow.
——- —————- —————————
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is
Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
———————————————————
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
———————————————————
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
———————————————————
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person
you want remembered.
———————————————————
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.
————————————————-
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
———————————————————
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may
be
seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
———————————————————-
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from
the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
———————————————————
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies
are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
———————————————————-
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend
him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
——————————————–
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the
back door.
———————————————————
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.
———————————————————-
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please
use large double door at the side entrance.
———————————————————-
The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign
slogan: Last Sunday: ”I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours”